Written by Jonathan Harvey, directed by Dominic LeClerc.
Open with Claire in hospital attached to a whole lot of machines and Ashley sick with worry in the waiting room looking at mobile photos of Claire. Perhaps wondering if he’ll ever receive a call from her again?
Eileen brings Josh to join Ashley in the hospital and apologizes for the rude messages she left for Claire. In Claire’s room, buzzers start beeping and Ashley is summoned out of Claire’s room as doctors march in. All has settled, and the nurse brings Ashley a chair in to sit next to Claire, telling him it “could be days.” Oh please no, not more days of this.
Thank god, she speaks! Claire regains consciousness and wants to know what happens. Now Ashley has the burden of telling her that she lost a baby she didn’t know she had. Couldn’t he have offered her some pudding first or something? She just regained consciousness! It’s like when you go into work in the morning and people start demanding things from you before you’ve even put your purse down yet. Exactly the same.
Ashley talks to Claire about the fact that they could be expecting their third child, if this hadn’t happened. Claire says she needs rest, but her eyes say there’s more to the pregnancy story that she’s not said. Claire admits to Ashley that she’s glad she lost the baby and that she never wants to be pregnant again. She tells him that he has to get a vasectomy. Snip, snip, crack that whip!
Deirdre and Ken discuss how nice and “nutty” their new breakfast cereal. Well, it is called “Nutty Flakes.” I’m not surprised that Deirdre enjoys it so. Peter is still whining about the shame of going to AA meetings. Get over it! Ken suggests that he tag along with him. Oh that’ll make it much less shameful and embarrassing, Daddy forcing you to go. Peter tells him to butt out. Ken says he doesn’t want any member of his family suffering alone. Oh, yes, tandem suffering is much more preferable for all involved.
Deirdre happily volunteers to suffer alongside them at the AA meeting, however she has an appointment to see her boss. That’s enough suffering for one day. Deirdre thinks she may be getting a promotion at work, but it turns out that she might be laid off, and she has to reapply for a newly made position. When Deirdre opened her fortune cookie and read “little and often makes much”, she may have misinterpreted it.
Bonus for Peter, now Deirdre is free to come to his AA meeting with them. Blanche has decided to join too. It’s like Christmas and his birthday all in one! At the AA meeting, the Barlow-clan listens to a man with the most obscene amount of dirt underneath his fingernails talk about his addiction story. Blanche grows impatient and asks him if he’s done and if he talked even more when he was tanked-up? She then proceeds to ask him if there’s a correlation to how boring he is and how much he drinks. Oh, boy. One woman, Melanie, says that the man’s story was illuminating. Blanche responded that Melanie needed to get out more. Once Melanie tried Bingo, she might just hyperventilate. Oh, classic Blanche this evening. Ken tries to support Peter and brings up how important trust is. Deirdre throws that back in his face, and Blanche tells everyone and sundry about Ken’s recent affair. Well, they’ve managed to turn the AA Meeting into the Blanche & Deirdre Show. What was that about not suffering alone again, Ken?
Oh, thank the lord for he has answered my prayers! Blanche Hunt is finally back on my little tele-box. Earlier Blanche moaned about how ridiculous the questions they ask are on the phone-in-quizzes on a particular show. She put her foot down and refused to give them her money. Ken reminded her that she doesn’t pay for the phone bill. Blanche promptly took that same foot up off the floor and over to the phone to dial in.
Seems that Grandparents-Connor are still taking up residency at Maria’s. According to Gran-Connor, she saw on the tele that house pets “turn” and go savage on babies all the time. As my mother would say: if she saw it on TV, it must be true. Looks like Grandparents-Connor have outstayed their welcome. So what does Maria do? She goes to the top of the roof and turns on the bat-signal to summon Psychoman. No, I’m just kidding, she calls Psychoman on the phone. He’s just like regular-folk. In a snug figure flattering outfit, Tony comes to Maria’s rescue and bundles her and her baby into the car and drives as far away as humanely possible.
Wow, Grandparents-Connor try to track Maria down at the local pub and Natasha informs them of just where she is and with whom. Brass-knickers! Grandparents-Connor return to find Tony feeding their grandson and ask Maria where she’s been all day. They went to register the baby’s birth. I can’t bring myself to describe of even encompass the levels of weird involved in a scene where Tony sits around comfortably with the parents, widow and baby of the man he murdered. I’m sorry, but it’s going to take a lot more than one shirtless scene for me to get over the fact that he’s a murderer. Maybe two shirtless scenes. Make it three, I have principles after all.
Tony leaves, and the poop hits the fan when Gran-Connor accuses Maria of neglecting her baby to spend time with Tony. Maria calls her a stupid woman and insists that her and Tony are mates only. Gran-Connor retorts by calling Maria a tart. Wow, ladies this isn’t very lady-like. Gran-Connor apologizes, but Maria looks like her head’s going to blow.
Norris looks like he’s got severe bunion fever. Oh, I can’t stand seeing people in chronic pain! It’s extremely irritating. I also can’t stand listening to chronic coughing. I know you can’t help it but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s irritating me. If you’re too sick to do your regular activities without interruption from your ailment, then do yourself (and the rest of us) a favour and stay home! This means you, Norris Cole. Norris took this advice, and is on the couch resting his bunions. Ramsay encourages Norris to take the trainers back and tells him he looks in agony. Norris tells Ramsay that that’s just how he looks. Ha ha. When the cat is away, the mouse will play. Once Ramsay and Emily leave for the Rovers, Norris finds the trainers and glides those bad-boys over his bunions and *poof* he’s on cloud 9.
Julie is looking as mod as ever. It seems she’s still resuming her “life coaching” duties with Sean. Sean tells her about Leon, mystery-gym man. He says he’s gone over to the gym numerous times looking for him, but couldn’t find him again. O.M.G. exlaims Julie as she tells Sean that she thinks Leon was SO coming on to him. Life Coach = Sycophant.
Sean decides to go back to the gym to look for Leon on Julie’s encouragement. Ooh, Sean is in luck, and so are we. In pretty much a re-inactment of the last jacuzzi scene, Leon saunters over to the jacuzzi that Sean has been pruning in all day in anticipation for this very moment. Oh Sean! He fake-cries, and fibs about Jason dumping him. Had to go for the ‘ole pity-the-fool routine, didn’t he? Oh, he just weaves his web of lies even more so telling Leon that Eileen is a religious Jehooovah’s Witness, a lesser-known branch of the popular Jehovah’s Witness religion. As Leon tries to make his swift escape, Sean tries to tie him into going for drinks, but Leon says he’s got football that night. Sean tries to get him the next night, but Leon says he’ll just facebook-him. So Facebook is the new rejection is it? I’ll keep that in mind…
Sean asks Jesse, Eileen and Julie to answer him honestly; Is he camp? The answers: Nooo…, Welll…, and Extremely, respectively. Eileen and Jesse’s relationship is coming along swimmingly. Julie refers to Jesse as Eileen’s boyfriend. Jesse noted that she didn’t even flinch when hearing that. Oh, Eileen’s smitten! So nice to see ’cause I love Eileen, me. See, Julie’s not the only person who likes to rhyme.