Written by Jonathan Harvey, directed by Alan Wareing.
Peter brings Simon home from school and asks him why his teacher says that he’s been quiet all day. Simon tells him that he’s way to young to be experiencing all this loss. Yes, that’s what he said. He heard his teacher tell this to another one. Peter tells him not to be earwigging. Peter offers to get him a new rabbit, but Simon says he just wants Leanne (the rabbit) back. He also says he’d like a funeral for his rabbit. Oh, pet funerals are so sad!
Peter tells Ken that he’ll hold off on his holiday to Portsmouth (to visit Adam) for the rabbit’s funeral. Ken remarked that Deirdre was away, and in her absence he thought it best to visit Adam for a while. Funny, I thought he found it best to visit women in boats along the canal in Deirdre’s absence. Ken informs Blanche that Peter’s planning a funeral for the rabbit. Blanche thinks this is a brilliant idea. She must have an opening this week, between court cases and, other funerals. Blanche is worried though, since she doesn’t have time to take her “funeral outfit” into the cleaners since she got egg-nog on it at the last send-off she attended. She’ll just have to wear slacks. Heaven forbid. Ken goes up to see Simon, and Blanche warns him, “Be careful Kenneth. He might have the gift of the gab, and the hair of Cleo Laine, but Tracey Emin, he is not.” I love Simon’s hair!
Steve comes into the bookies, and Simon asks him how he copes with being a single dad. Steve figures men aren’t cut out for it, and he’s lucky he’s had good women in his life. Peter says he agrees. Well, no one’s meant to be alone.
Peter goes to the Webster’s and asks if they have a shovel. For the rabbit. The rabbit’s funeral. In the Red Rec. Sophie suggest they bury Leanne in their garden, so Simon can see him whenever they want. Can you really just go digging holes and burying this in public park space any how? Sally agrees to have the funeral in her backyard, so long as she doesn’t have to prepare a spread. What, after her last dinner party went so well? lol.
At the rabbit funeral, Sally is on the phone to Kevin saying how she’d feel uncomfortable going outside, since she didn’t really know her, or him. Sally reckons that Leanne was some kind of transsexual rabbit. Those are just the BEST kind of rabbits. When I go to the pet store, I make sure to request a transsexual rabbit. I’ll have none of them one-sexed bunnies in my house! I wonder where Rosie gets it from? OMG, the rabbit funeral was so sad, but SO cute. Simon’s hands-down my favorite youngster on the street.
After the funeral, Peter feels bad for how sad Simon looks. Blanche reminds him that Simon’s smile can light up a room. He gets that from her. LOL. Peter tells Simon to cheer up, because they’re going on a trip. Oh, really. Where to, I wonder.
Peter and Simon enter a snazzy restaurant and ask for a table for two. Simon asks where they are. Peter tells him they’re in Leeds. Oh, I know who’s in Leeds. And there she is, the “original” Leanne. Simon is happy to see Leanne and smiles and calls her name. Leanne looks shocked to see the two of them there. Well, delighted to see Simon, but shocked to see Peter. The second Leanne sees Peter she walks out of the room. She comes back out, and acts cool towards Peter. Simon asks her if she’s cross with them. Leanne tells him of course she’s not. Well, not with Simon at least. Leanne’s still miffed about Peter cheating around on her last time she was on the street. Leanne tells Peter she’s got a boyfriend. Peter and Simon leave the restaurant with longing looks back at Leanne. Simon’s look seems to melt Simon’s heart. Will we be seeing Leanne back on the cobbles soon? Peter tells Blanche that Leanne’s “the one”, but it’s too late. Blanche thinks he could be wrong. Oh, Blanche, you’re spot on! A cab pulls up to the street, and Leanne pops out. Leanne is sitting on the bus bench across from Barlow’s Bookies looking contemplative. She calls Janice and asks if she can stay with her. Here to stay, eh?
Steve and Becky are back into the motions of their everyday life. Becky’s still scared of the “wrath of Hooch.” Steve tries to assure her that everything’s going to be fine. Liz comes in asking if Becky can do a shift for her that night, but Steve reminds Liz that it’s their “wedding reception, take 2” tonight. How many times are these two going to have a go at a wedding? Becky isn’t in the mood for “wedding reception, take 2” and tells Liz she can do the shift.
Becky is all in good spirits again, traipsing around the street in her loungewear and curlers in. Which leads to the question…is Becky the new Hilda Ogden? Blanche sees her and exclaims, “Suffering ice-cakes! I thought you’d be languishing in Wentworth prison by now. Having your hair done, and watching educational shows about empowerment.” Blanche tells her just because she got off, doesn’t mean she’s innocent. Becky says it’s a shame she feels that way, since she probably won’t want to come to the pub tonight for a free bevvy. Blanche tries to back track, but Becky puts her foot down and lets her know she ain’t welcome. Becky leaves calling Blanche a “big bully.” How fitting!
Becky’s so happy, she’s gone “quirky” and has started using an American accent! It’s fabulous! I kind like quirky Becky. I’d buy a food processor from her, for only 4 easy payments, any day.
At “wedding reception, take 2” Sean pulls a sickie, and it looks like Becky might have to work, but Lloyd offers to pull pints instead. Becky’s elated, and says she could just eat him! Lloyd tells her “not now, everyone’s watching, maybe later.” Oh, that was naughty! Didn’t think I’d catch that, did ya Mr. Harvey, but I did.
Outside, Steve is putting up a banner for Becky over the Rovers, and Hooch drives up and tells him to get in, they’re going for a ride. In Hooch’s car, Hooch admits that his plan came apart when he decided to use that user, Slug. Hooch tells Steve that Becky’s off the hook, she’s got a fresh start, but there’s new ground rules. Hooch warns Steve that scum like Becky will take him down one way or another, then asks him to get him out of the car. That whole interaction was strange for so many reasons. Steve comes home and tells Becky about what happened and presents her with her “Becky” necklace he got back from Hooch.
At “wedding reception, take 2,” Anna asks the guests what they think of the cake. Kevin thinks it’s “all wrong.” Roy thinks it’s “surprisingly tasty.” Anna comments that that’s just like her Eddie! Oh, gross! Mr. Harvey, you naughty boy, that’s two-for-two tonight! The bride and groom present themselves with Amy in tow. Hayley remarks that Steve looks dashing in his suit. Roy comments that a suit can cover a multitude of sins. Really? Is that why I love a man in a suit! Steve gives a heartfelt speech. Steve promises to make their future a damn sight better than their past. Well, that shouldn’t be too difficult.
Later, they’re doing the conga-line in the Rovers to “hot, hot, hot.” Is the Rovers big enough for a conga-line? Are conga-lines only exclusive to wedding receptions and cruises? I digress.
It seems as though Pam’s online advertisement has done the trick, since Jesse is swimming in CV’s for his new Hiyalowa. Eileen’s not too happy about her living room being used as an audition space. Eileen’s not thrilled about too much that comes with Jesse lately. Well, except for one thing. Heh. Eileen’s hair and makeup have been looking fantastic lately! I just had to put that in. Jason’s on his way to a game with Leon, and asks Sean if he’d like to join. Only, Sean promised he’d do a shift at the Rovers for Liz. Sean says he’ll come later on.
Jesse auditions a real hoot of a woman named Haley, while Eileen is sat in the corner with Sean, who’s flat-ironing his hair. Really? Who is he, Ryan Seacrest? Well, Hayley gets an A for enthusiasm. If there’s someone John can’t stand more than Eileen, it’s Haley! Jesse points out that John loves Julie. Eileen points out that “everyone loves Julie.” Eileen and Sean are just howling with laughter at Haley’s audition. Eileen tells Haley she’s rubbish. Haley angrily asks who Eileen is, Amanda Holden on steroids? Ah ha! Haley should try stand-up instead. Julie says that Jesse should be looking for someone like her, and that she’d be more than happy to be his Hiyalowa. Julie starts breaking out in Abba and Eileen hightails it to the pub.
Later, Sean arrives at a bar showcasing “Mr. Gay Weatherfield.” Oh, when does it click for Jason? Inside the bar Sean spots a very inebriated Jason amongst Weatherfield’s gay populous. Jason’s having a great ole time! Sean asks if he can have a word with Leon. Leon tells Sean that he thinks he’s in love with Jason. Sean tells Leon that Jason’s straight, and hasn’t got any clue that any of them are gay. Leon asks if he’s thick or something. Yes, he is. Leon’s not believing Sean, and thinks that Sean is only saying that because he’s not “over” Jason. Sean tries to tell Jason that he’s in a gay club, but Jason’s not that thick and says he worked it all out when he saw a sign that said “Mr. Gay Weatherfield” outside. Maybe Jason just likes the attention. Jason’s not too bothered when he finds out he’s on a gay footie team. Jason could give two pennies about the whole gay thing. Sean is freaking out, and Jason tells him “no more drama.” Leon sees Jason and Sean talking and walks over. Leon accuses Sean of trying to get back with Jason, and that he can’t pull the wool over his eyes. The gay footie team throws Jason up on stage with drag-queen extraordinaire! Sean looks scared. Jason tells the queen that he’s a builder, and the queen requests a “builder dance.” Jason, of course, obliges. The audience wants some flesh (this audience included) and cheers him “off.” And *poof* off comes Jason’s shirt. Looks like he’s been to a chest-waxing party. Can you TURN gay? I’m starting to wonder watching Jason. The queens asks Jason if he’s got a boyfriend, and Jason replies “no.” Que howling from the audience. Oh boy, they’re announcing the winner of Mr. Gay Weatherfield! I love a sleazy good pageant me! Of course, Jason wins top prize is Mr. Gay Weatherfield. Leon looks over at Sean and remarks “not so straight now, is he?”
Jason is pass-out drunk and Sean wants to take him home, but Leon insists that he stay. Sean tells the truth to Leon and Drunk Jason, that he told Leon that they were a couple so that Leon would think he could pull fit lads. Leon asks what he did that for. Sean says because he’s a freak, and because he fancied Leon. Leon’s not happy about it all, and calls them “tourists.”
Darryl meets Amber for “College Jeff’s” party. Amber says someone named “Mitch” is meeting them at Streetcars to go with them. Darryl wonders who Mitch is, all jealous and stuff. Mitch comes ’round the corner looking a little like Fonzworth Bentley. Now, I’m not too good at this gaydar thing (if you knew my dating past), but I have a feeling Mitch might not be anything for Darryl to worry about. Darryl really needs to learn how to keep his mouth shut when he’s not talking. He’s going to start catching flies. Darryl tells her that they need to talk about their relationship. Amber gets frustrated with Darryl’s jealousy and asks why every man in her life has to be a big fat moron! It’s just a part of being a woman, my dear. Amber asks Darryl if he’s coming to the party or not. Darryl says he’d rather eat a pack of razor blades.
Amber walks back from the party with Mitch. Mitch tells Amber to stop banging on about Darryl, since he treats her like dirt. Well, not really. Mitch is moving in for the kill! Mitch says he bet’s Darryl doesn’t kiss “like this” and throws Amber against the wall and kisses her. Darryl is walking around the corner leaving a concerned message on Amber’s voicemail when he spots them making out in the streets! That cuts, poor Darryl. Looks like I was wrong about that gaydar, again.
In other news, Teresa’s on the hunt for spam, and is probably on drugs because she’s gone and shook Steve’s ladder (literally, he was putting up a sign over the Rovers), and asked him if he wants to touch her spam. Oh, boy. Oh, yuck. Teresa’s eating spam-out-of-the-can with a fork while serving her son some “sympathy kebab.” She’s like a homeless cat, that woman!