Written by Julie Jones, directed by Alan Wareing
Rosie complains about her mother’s cheap-o coffee. Kevin tells Rosie, again, to sell her car. Rosie says she LURVES her car and Sally backs her up that it is fabulous. The two of them are like peas in a pod. Can she even drive it yet??? Kevin tells Rosie that she’s 18 and she should be paying her way. Kevin looks like he can’t stomach his family anymore.
Cut to Molly looking bored, and Tyrone comes in to tell her that she didn’t say they were out of cornflakes and he had to eat a scabby piece of toast for breakfast instead. Tyrone wonders why Molly’s being so nice to him, and figures she might be borderline feminist.
Kevin and Molly agree to meet later, to further talk about outing their affair. Kevin and Molly meet at their usual seedy motel room. Kevin tells her not to feel bad about Tyrone, since once they’re out in the open, that’ll all be over with. Molly’s skeptical, but Kevin keeps insisting that he means it.
Ken sees Simon and Peter in the street and asks Simon what he wants for Christmas. It’s clear, from Granddad George’s overindulgence that Simon now has expensive tastes. Ken is feeling a bit shameful for not being able to keep up methinks.
Eddie Windass points out to Deirdre that he saw a clog in her gutter from across the way when he was putting up his Christmas lights. He offers 10 pounds to take it down with his ladder. Deirdre decides to just leave it, but figures she’ll never get Ken up there, so ends up taking Eddie up on his offer.
Ken is looking through the classifieds for a job. Probably to pay for whatever luxurious gift that Simon as requested. Ken ponders a call centre, and Deirdre says she thought you had to live in India to work in a call centre. Zing! Deirdre figures they’ll be fine for money at Christmas, unless her mother requests a new hip or something.
Roy’s back on the job and Becky offers some sage wisdom by telling him that if he puts on a smile, his face will send his brain a message that he’s happy. Wait, isn’t that the other way around? Roy gives Becky his most forced smile ever, just to humour her.
Rosie comes into the cafe to stir John up a bit more. She places her order and he smiles like a schoolboy as he tells her it’s coming up. Oh no. As Roy leaves the cafe to do some errands, John is left to run the place. Rosie tells him she found a course that she wants to do. She tells John that she wants to be a doctor. John thinks that’s great, but tells her that going into medicine is a vocation, a calling, you really have to care for people and have empathy. Rosie tells him that the trouble with medical school is that it take ages. John reminds her that she’s young and she has all the time in the world. Rosie tells him that it’s going to cost a lot, and she’s totally skint. John tells her that most people work their way through university, but Rosie says she can’t make fifty grand. John tells mer maybe she’ll need a student loan. Rosie gets a all sour-faced and tells him that she thought he was going to help her, since according to her, she owes him – big time. John looks very worried all the sudden.
Rosie goes back into the cafe, and John tells her he doesn’t owe her and to go away. Rosie says that they need a word in private. The last customer leaves, and Rosie tells John that she knows his gran’s house was worth more than what he gave her. John tells her she got everything he had, his mum and dad got the rest. John accuses her of wasting ever y single penny of that 150 thousand pounds. Rosie tells him that she better get him that money, or she’ll walk out of that door screaming blue murder. She says she’ll tell her parents that John assaulted her. Rosie wants fifty grand in her bank account by the end of the week. John picks up her bag and shoves her out and tells her that this ends here, then calls her a little bitch. YOW! Go John! John tells her she doesn’t speak to him, doesn’t look at him and if she dates mention money ever again he’ll go to the police and tell them she tried to blackmail him. Rosie leaves the cafe almost looking sad. Then an evil smile crosses over her face, as she opens the door and yells “Help, help me, somebody please!” into the streets.
Claire comes in and tells Becky that she was a bit tipsy the night before. Becky asks her if she was out on the town, but Claire says that she was at home drinking alone. Becky figures that Claire should come out drinking with her sometime. Claire says that’d be great. Becky chokes a bit on her coffee when she realized that Claire meant her comment to be genuine, but agrees nonetheless. Her and Claire will be out on the town that night.
Becky is in the pub, and overhears Steve talking to “Bernie” on the phone. She asks if that’s Bernie, Dev’s bird. Steve lies and says it was Bernie, his financial guy.
Theresa comes by the cabbies with more cakes for Lloyd. Lloyd accuses her of being a feeder, since she’s brought him about seven cakes in three days. Theresa says she’s trying to make it up to him. Lloyd asks how a cake is going to make up for them falling out with Liz and getting barred from the Rovers. Theresa figures they’ll show Liz by having a party at theirs tonight. Lloyd reminds her that it’s his place, not theirs. Lloyd also reminds her that it’s Monday night and everyone has to work tomorrow, besides Theresa.
Theresa sees the factory girls coming out of Underworld and announces her and Lloyd’s party. Theresa says the magic words: free food and free booze. Theresa also lets them know that it’s fancy-dress. Theresa announces that the party is a Vicars and Liz party. Theresa “corrects herself” and says she meant Vicars and Tarts, obviously. Sally comments that it’s all a bit 1980’s. Haha, I was thinking the same thing actually. Janice agrees that it’d be a right laugh. Why aren’t Janice and Theresa better friends? Haha.
Graeme, who will be attending the Vicars and Liz party, is in the Rovers and asks Liz where she got her necklace. We’re talking about her signature zig-zag piece here. She tells him that it was a present. Graeme says it’s fetching. Liz asks him if he’s taking the mick, and Graeme replies that it’s a sad world when you can’t even pay someone a compliment. Liz later notices that Graeme keeps staring at her, and that he must be proper weird.
At the table in the Rovers, the factory girls are talking about their costumes for the party that evening. Sean tells Graeme to get himself a low-cut shirt, and he’ll run him up a skirt. Graeme says to make it short, since he’s got great legs that could advertise tights. Haha. Graeme asks for a big bra too, but Kelly just suggests he get some chicken fillets and put them down his shirt instead. Graeme wonders if they won’t get all gross. Sean corrects him that he won’t be using REAL chicken fillets, the plassy ones! Graeme nods like he knows what on earth they’re talking about.
It’s vicars and tarts night, and everyone comes through dressed to impress. I’m shocked that Sean came dressed as a vicar, and not a tart. I also didn’t know that Becky got the invitation also. Steve sees Becky all done up sexily and gives her a slap on the behind. Becky tells him that she’s going out with Claire Peacock.
Haha, Theresa shows up dressed like Liz. I think those are even pieces from Liz’s closet exact! She better watch out, this might turn Lloyd on. Julie warns her that this could really hurt Liz’s feelings. Theresa tells her not to be daft: imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. Liz sees Fiz in a blond wig and says she looks gorgeous, and asks Fiz if she’s ever thought of dying her own hair blond. Hahaha. Fiz just nods uncomfortably.
Meanwhile, Becky ensures that she gets a few shots down Claire’s gullet before they go out. Claire chokes them back with glee.
Suddenly, Graeme walks in dressed as the best imitation of Liz ever, even having drawn on her necklace in eyeliner on his chest! Graeme reckons that he and Liz were separated at birth. Lloyd realizes what Theresa’s done, but Theresa tells him that Liz can take a joke. Liz tells Theresa that she’s banned. Theresa accuses Liz of having a sense of humour failure. Liz tells Theresa, through tears, that she knows she put Graeme up to this, and she’s pathetic. Liz starts to break out in tears. Oh, poor Liz, really, this is enough.
Deirdre tries to calm Liz down in the back room by telling her that Theresa is just spiteful and jealous. Liz figures she’s a woman of a certain age, but doesn’t want to go around in a twin-set and pearls. Lloyd comes in and tells her he had no idea, he thought it was just a vicars and tarts party. Liz picks up a mug and throws it at him.